For those planning a funeral for a loved one, or if you are attending a service for a family member or friend, here are some explanations of terms and situations you may find yourself having to address.
The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who grieve. It provides an opportunity for family and friends to express their love, respect, grief and appreciation for a life that has been lived. It permits facing openly and realistically the crisis death presents. Through the funeral we take that first step toward healing and adjustment to our loss.
The Funeral Service
The type of service conducted for the deceased is specified by the family. Our funeral directors are trained to assist families in creating personal, meaningful and unique services. The presence of friends at this time is an acknowledgement of friendship, love and support. It is helpful to friends and the community to have an obituary notice published announcing the death and type of service to be held. The type of service may be determined by somebody’s religious preference. Each religion has there own rites and traditions. There are also options for non-religious or humanist services.
Private Service
This service is by invitation only and may be held at a place of worship, our funeral home or a family home. Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends attend the funeral service. Visiting hours are still an option. Typically, we discourage the idea of a “private service” because the people attending any funeral service care about and know your family. Having a “public service” does not mean that a bunch of strangers will attend.
Memorial Service
A memorial service is a service without the deceased present and can vary in ceremony and procedures. Some families prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside service with a memorial service later at the church or funeral home.
Pallbearers
Friends and/or relatives may be asked to carry a loved one’s casket at the place of service. This is to be considered a great honor and should be undertaken with great respect. Because safety is a top priority, we recommend people with a strong back. If someone is unable to carry the casket, they may act as an honorary pallbearer. Some families may prefer to use our team of professional funeral bearers.
Honorary Pallbearers
Honorary pallbearers would escort the casket down the aisle of a church or service place. They would not actively carry the casket.
Eulogy/Remembrance
A eulogy or remembrance may be given by a member of the family or a close friend. The eulogy should offer praise and commendation and celebrate the life of the person who has lived. The family is responsible for making this decision.
Dress
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate. Those attending a funeral should be dressed appropriately so as to show dignity and respect for the family and the occasion.
Funeral Procession/Cortege
When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both held within the local area, friends and relatives may accompany the family to the cemetery. The procession is formed at the funeral home, church or place of service. The funeral director can advise you of the traffic regulations and procedures to follow while driving in a funeral procession. Always use caution while driving in a procession. Safety is always our primary concern.
Condolences
The time of death is a very difficult time for family members. A phone call, sympathy card, personal letter or Keohane.com condolence page message is always appreciated by the family. The most important thing you can offer a grieving family is your presence during the services. Your presence is more powerful than any words you can say.
Flowers
Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of expressing sympathy to the family of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and beauty and offer comfort to the family. A floral tribute can either be sent to the funeral home or the residence. If sent to the residence, usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a person's continued sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist places an identification card on the floral tribute. At the funeral home the cards are removed from the floral tributes and given to the family so they may acknowledge the tributes sent.
Mass Cards
Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family. A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been arranged may be obtained from a Catholic parish. The Mass offering card or envelope is given to the family as an indication of understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure that your name and address is legible. This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge your gift.
Memorial Donations
A contribution in a person’s memory may be made to a specific cause or charity. The family will often designate a charity which is meaningful to them. When making a contribution, make sure that the charity will notify the family with you name and address. If they don’t, then send a card to the family notifying them of your contribution.
Sympathy Cards
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance, is an appreciated gesture. The card should be in good taste and in keeping with your relationship to the family of the deceased.
Personal Note
A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss" is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other messages.
Telephone Calls
Speaking to a family member gives you an opportunity to offer your support and let them know you really care. If they wish to discuss their loss, don't hesitate to talk with them about the deceased. Be a good listener!
Visitation/Wake
Your presence at the visitation demonstrates that although someone has died, friends still remain. Your presence is a powerful statement that you care.
Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly approaching the subject at the office, supermarket or social activities. Family and friends may call at the funeral home at any time during the published hours of the day or evening to pay respects. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register book. A person's full name should be listed. If the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation as the family may not be familiar with their relationship to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgement on how long they should remain at the funeral home or place of visitation. If they feel their presence is needed, they should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over, the survivors often feel very alone in dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know you are still there. Keep in touch.
Sympathy Expressions
When a person visits at the funeral home, sympathy can be expressed by clasping hands, an embrace, or a simple statement of condolence. Make sure your gesture is appropriate, natural and comfortable for you and the family members. Remember, the greatest gift is your presence.
Some appropriate phrases may be:
"I'm sorry."
"My sympathy to you."
"It was good to know John."
"John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
"My sympathy to your mother."
The family member in return may say:
"Thanks for coming."
"John talked about you often."
"I didn't realize so many people cared."
"Come see me when you can."
Phrases to avoid:
“John is in a better place.”
“God wanted him back. It was God’s will”
“She wouldn’t have wanted you to cry.”
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them. Let people cry as much as they need to.
Acknowledgements
The family should acknowledge the flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends. When food and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. We offer a wide selection of cards for this use. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal note should be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service received. The note can be short, such as:
"Thank you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely."
"The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated."
Children at Funerals
At a very early age, children have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given the option to attend visitation and the funeral service. The funeral director can advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional information and literature.
Grief Recovery
It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with one another. We at Keohane Funeral & Cremation Service can help family and friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs for you.
Help a Grieving Friend
Be a good listener!
Grieving people often find they need to talk about what's happened and how they feel about it. You don't have to fix their grief or cheer them up, but you can share the load just by being there to listen. Don’t be afraid to reminisce about the deceased.
It's all right to cry
There's no need to say "be brave" or "be strong." Crying helps emotions to be released so they won't get bottled up. To give permission for tears, anger or any other emotions will let your friend know you aren't uncomfortable with their grief.
Stay in touch
Remember that grief doesn't go away in a few short weeks. Adjusting and healing after a loss can be a lifelong process. Special days like birthdays or holidays may be the perfect time to pick up the phone and say, "I was thinking of you today."
