How to Help a Grieving Friend or Relative

How to Help a Grieving Friend or Relative

February 1, 2019

When someone close to you experiences a loss, you naturally want to support that person and let him or her know that you care, but it can be difficult to know what to say or what to do. The most important thing you can do is acknowledge the loss and be there for your friend without judgement and without trying to fix the pain – be willing to listen and be a caring presence.

When someone we love is hurting, often, the first impulse is to rush in and try to alleviate the pain or to cheer the person up. But experts say that is not helpful to someone grieving a loss. While everyone’s path through grief is different, there are no short cuts. A grieving friend or relative needs someone to acknowledge that they are in pain and to stand with them in the face of the discomfort.

A tip sheet on helping a friend in grief from The Dougy Center, The National Center for Grieving Children & Families, says: “Put down the toolbox. Your friend doesn’t need you to fix them or their grief, which is good because grief can’t be fixed! What they do need is for you to show up, stick around, act normal, and listen.”

Megan Devine, the author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief & Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand and founder of Refuge In Grief posted a short animated video on “How Do You Help a Grieving Friend.” On the video, Devine says, “You can’t heal somebody’s pain by trying to take it away from them…Being heard helps. But acknowledgement can be the best medicine that we have. It makes things better even when they can’t be made right.”

What to Say and What Not to Say

It can be difficult to find the right words to comfort someone who is grieving a loss. Some people might even wonder if it is best to say nothing at all for fear of upsetting the person who has lost a loved one, but not acknowledging the loss can be just as painful.

“It’s important to acknowledge the death of a loved one,” said Co-president John Keohane. “Even though expressing your condolences to someone who has experienced a loss is not easy, it should not be avoided all together.”

Because it is understandably challenging to find the right words to comfort someone, it is best to keep things short and from the heart. A simple expression such as, “I’m sorry for your loss” can be all that is needed to express your sympathy in a way that tactfully acknowledges the loss.

While there are no set rules to saying the right thing to someone who has lost a loved one, there are some phrases that people often convey during a loss that should be avoided in order not to offend the mourner.

You might be tempted to show support by telling the grieving person that you have experienced grief, too, but everyone experiences grief differently. So, rather than telling someone, “I know how you feel,” you might start with an acknowledgment that loss is painful, and that you know what he or she is experiencing is difficult. And while the acute pain of a loss usually diminishes over time, avoid saying things like “time will heal” or “at least he’s not suffering” which can appear to minimize the mourner’s pain. Instead, say something that relates to the difficulty of the loss such as, “I realize that this is must be a very difficult time for you.”

It’s okay to admit that you just don’t have the words to express your feelings, especially in the case of a sudden loss or accidental death in which the mourner may be in shock and disbelief. You can confess to the griever, “I’m so sorry. I just don’t know what to say.”

Physical gestures can also convey your sympathy when words just aren’t enough. A warm hug, a squeeze of the hand or a kiss on the cheek can express your feelings non-verbally.

Hang in There

The journey through grief is a long and winding path that lasts much longer than the initial mourning period when friends and family drop off food and send condolence cards. It’s important to check in with your friend or relative after the first few weeks or even months. Ask how they are doing and make concrete offers to help, such as doing yard work; babysitting the children or inviting them for a walk. Mark your calendar for important dates that might bring up feelings of grief – a birthday, a holiday, or the anniversary of the death.

And remember that a person who is grieving has ups and downs. It’s okay to laugh and have fun; to reminisce about the person who has died; or celebrate a special event. Just be sure to check in with your friend and find out what he or she is feeling or needing in the moment.

For more ideas and tips, Hospice and Palliative Care of Greensboro provides a guide on “Beyond the Casserole” with information from April Herring, Risa Hanau and Marcia Vanard.

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By John Keohane February 27, 2025
Brigette Gibson, Funeral Director You’re a Quincy native from a large family. You were familiar with Keohane from growing up, right? Yes, through growing up in Quincy, but actually, John Keohane raised his family right across the street from my grandmother. And John’s wife, who I call Miss Wilk, was my kindergarten teacher at Sacred Heart! How did you end up working at Keohane and becoming the Office Manager for the Weymouth locations? COVID, I think for everyone, was a time of change and reflection. My son was five months old when COVID started. It was such a blur back then, but I knew I didn't want to go back to what I was doing. I thought I’d work part-time and be home more with him. So I went on Indeed and saw that there was a job for a part-time bookkeeper here. I thought, “that's great, part-time! I can do that. I can still be home with him. I don't have to send him to daycare full-time. I started as the bookkeeper and I did that for about a year. During that time, I did the books but I also wanted to learn everything. I started listening to people answer the phones. Some of the staff took me under their wings and when they heard me speak with people, they said “you have a knack for this. You make people feel comfortable and you’re trustworthy. You follow through with whatever you say.” John Keohane noticed something in me and one day he came to my office and said “Brigette, I want you to be the Office Manager.” I told him I wasn’t sure. Even though I was never actually part-time, I was working 40-45 hours a week from the start because I loved it and wanted to learn everything. I liked what I was doing. But it’s very hard to say no to John, and so I became the Office Manager (laughs). What did you do before joining Keohane? I went to nursing school. When you’re 17 years old and someone says “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I thought I wanted to be a nurse. I learned very quickly that I didn’t want to be a nurse! I was still trying to find myself and was waitressing and working as a nanny, but it didn’t spark my joy. Something was missing. When I started working at Keohane, I realized that I love the family care that comes with this job. You’re now a full-time Funeral Director! Yes! I passed all my exams last September and was sworn in. What’s the transition been like? Are there days when you wake up and think “I can’t believe this is what I’m doing now?” I’ve enjoyed every aspect, from being the bookkeeper and managing the office to now being a funeral director. I’ve appreciated every single moment. And now that I’m here, I still want to learn, I still want to know what’s next for this career? How else can I grow? There are eight funeral directors at Keohane and each of them has taught me something over the past two years, and they still do. I still rely on them every single day and I’m still learning. It sounds like you’ve received a kind of parallel education at Keohane, in addition to what you learned in college to get the degree. Yes. And the other funeral directors will come to me when they have a billing question or death certificate question, things that I’ve done behind the scenes over the past few years, because as the Office Manager I handled all of the scheduling and death certificate information and calling the doctors and the churches and organizing. What are some of the basic responsibilities of a funeral director? It starts with the first phone call, and it could be a call before someone has passed, or it’s the first call after someone has passed. We’re there to help guide them. We’re not there to tell them what to do; we’re there to help them make decisions. We have to ask the hard questions. Death is still taboo to some people. They’ve never talked about death with their loved ones . It’s counseling people, discovering how they want to celebrate their loved one’s life. We explain to them that if they want to hold visiting hours, this is what’s going to happen. This is what you’ve got to do. And then we sit down together with the family and plan the services. There can be a lot of juggling. Some family members might have different opinions on services. Our job is to guide and educate them on what’s best. And then, getting all of the Mass information and planning the Mass and scheduling visiting hours and services and cemetery info. If you don’ thave a cemetery propery, do you opt for cremation? Cremation opens a lot of options as well, which a lot of families are now choosing, and we as funeral directors can help them plan what to do. You become a kind of therapist in a way, providing a voice of calm when there’s so much difficulty swirling around them. This is already a hard day. You don’t need to make it harder by focusing too much on the smaller details. We’ll help you with all of this. There’s also the aftercare when services have ended. Families go home and they have to sit with some of those feelings. Often they’ll start to get anxious about closing a bank account and what do do with the cars. We’re there to answer any questions a family may ask, and if we don’t know the answer, we’ll try to get them the answer. We’re here to help you. And sometimes when I’m out and about, someone will come up to me and say “oh, you ran my grandmother’s service,” or “you were the funeral director at my uncle’s wake” and they offer such kind feedback. I love that about this job. What does an apprenticeship as a funderal director entail? What are some of the responsibilities that you took on during that period? My apprenticeship was a lot different than most people’s. I never came to Keohane thinking I’d be a funeral director. John (Keohane) said “I see something special in you and let’s work this through,” because I was still the Office Manager! I was educated, I had the skills, but I still wanted to learn everything hands-on that I was learning in school. So I’d go on transfers, I would be in the care center helping as a second pair of hands, observing as much as I could. I’d help set up visiting hours, help on funerals whereever I was needed. We all need to learn. It’s not my family; it’s our family we’re serving. How difficult was it to manage your studies while doing your day job and maintaining your family life? I went to school full time and I still raised a family and I just got it done. I took summer courses. I took winter courses. I had a goal that I was going to get this done in less than two years. And I did. It was a blur. I couldn't tell you about the past few years. But I'm really proud of being able to do that as a mom and working full-time. Just being a mom and going back to school in my late 30s… you guys can do this! Just just put your head down and power through it. The industry is changing quite a lot. Americans are becoming less religiously affiliated. Cremation is becoming a much more popular option than it used to be. How do you adapt to meet the changing needs for funeral care? Ooh, good question! As funeral directors, now we can become creative. We can make services that much more personable and build them around what the family wants. I’ve been lucky enough to have a few families that didn’t want to go to church but still wanted a service.It might take a little longer to pull some of the information out of them, but once we do, we’re able to dig into our creative sides. I felt that I was able to do that with some of these families that wanted to choose their own service, and I got to know the decedent that much better. I got to know who I was serving. I had a service for a Deadhead (Grateful Dead fan) a few months ago. The decedent’s brother told me that he liked the Dead, followed the band around for a long time. So everyone wore tie dye to the funeral, they shared stories about traveling around the U.S., and we played Grateful Dead music. The man’s nephew got up and sang a Grateful Dead song with his guitar. When they were leaving, the man’s brother said “this is exactly what he would have wanted. This is exactly how his friends saw him. This was the closure that we needed. What are your favorite parts of the job? Oh God, there’s so many! I like the initial arrangement with the family. I feel like the families come in so nervous. They don’t know what to expect. We just start to talk. I don’t jump into the arrangements right away. I’ll listen to someone share their stories and their memories for as long as it takes. I truly enjoy that aspect, getting to know them. I’ll ask them about their family member who’s passed, and they often will start sharing stories and memories right away . And towards the end of the service, when the family will stop and take a moment to say “thank you, thank you for doing this.” I always tell them that they were doing the hard work. This is what I love to do, and it’s a gift. Keohane does a lot of outreach in the community. What are a few of your favorite local community organizations? It’s been awesome to see Dennis (Keohane), especially, have such a passion for the playground or the skate park. I’m most passionate about Quincy, since I’m born and raised here. I love seeing the Keohanes involved with the Quincy 400 and Interfaith Social Services and the annual coat drive. We’re a staple of the community. You can contact Brigette Gibson via email: brigette@keohane.com or call 781.335.0045. Meet the full Keohane team here .
By John Keohane February 27, 2025
Cremation has become an increasingly popular choice for end-of-life arrangements. Per the National Funeral Directors Association, 62% of people opt for cremation, nearly double the volume of people choosing a traditional burial. Despite the rising volume of cremations in the U.S., misconceptions about the process persist. This blog post aims to dispel the most common myths, provide you with factual information, and help you in making informed decisions regarding cremation. Of course, you are always welcome to speak with a Keohane team member to answer specific questions or learn more in-depth what our process entails. Myth 1: Cremation Is Environmentally Harmful Fact: Traditional cremation involves high energy consumption and emissions. However, advancements have led to more eco-friendly alternatives. For instance, water cremation, also known as alkaline hydrolysis, is considered gentler and more sustainable than conventional methods. Additionally, you can choose a biodegradable urn or scatter ashes in meaningful locations to further reduce environmental impact. (We can help you arrange a scattering of ashes on land or sea; learn more here .) Myth 2: Cremation Limits Memorialization Options Fact: Cremation offers a variety of personalized memorialization choices. Beyond traditional urns, ashes can be incorporated into special jewelry , artwork, or even planted with a tree to create a living memorial. These options provide families like yours with meaningful ways to honor your loved ones. Myth 3: Religious Beliefs Prohibit Cremation Fact: While some religions have specific guidelines regarding body disposition, many have become more accepting of cremation. It's essential that you consult with your spiritual advisor to understand your faith's current stance, making sure that your choices align with your beliefs. Myth 4: Cremation is Less Respectful Than Burial Fact: Respect and dignity are paramount in both cremation and burial processes. Keohane Funeral and Cremation adheres to strict protocols to ensure that the deceased is handled with the utmost care, regardless of the chosen method. We hold sacred the tremendous responsibility you’ve given us in your time of need. Making an Informed Decision When considering cremation, take the following factors into account: Personal Values: Consider your environmental concerns, spiritual beliefs, and personal preferences. Family Wishes: Engage in open discussions with family members to ensure that the chosen method honors collective sentiments. This is another reason why advanced planning is such a worthwhile investment of your time. Financial Considerations: Cremation can be more cost-effective than traditional burials, though your costs will vary based on the services you choose. Legal Requirements: Familiarize yourself with local regulations and ensure all necessary documentation is in order. At Keohane, we understand deeply that choosing between cremation and burial is an intensely personal decision. Our compassionate team is here to provide you with comprehensive information, answer all of your questions, and support you in making the best choices for you and your family’s values and wishes. Contact us today to learn more about our cremation services and how we may assist you in arriving at your best choices.